How do I stop being so jealous?

Jealousy is a sign of love, but too much of it can break a relationship.

By Claire

I'm the jealous type. The really super duper ultra jealous type. I really love Kevin from the bottom of my heart and it really hurts when I see him do something that doesn't involve me or talk to other girls. I reached a stage where I want to be close to him 24/7 and if he shows any sign of not wanting to be with me 24/7 then I get annoyed.

How did I get here?

The short answer is I don't know. I wasn't like this and I actually used to talk down to people who were like this. I always found it weird and borderline embarrassing that some girls do not exist beyond their boyfriends. I couldn't understand how could that be their life. How could you be so obsessed with someone that you can't stay a days let alone a few hours without them.

I got here gradually. It's a very silent gradual thing that happens over time and you don't realise it until its too late. When we first dated, we lived separately and had our own jobs and lives outside of each other and would meet every few days and text each other here and there. Over time the texting increased and we started texting from good morning to good night. We both enjoyed texting each other so much and it slowly moved from being a "nice to have" to a "must have". I wanted to text him everyday because I wanted to know about his day and wanted him to know about mine. It was very nice and I thought of it as a cute gesture. However, our lives slowly started to intertwine and if his car ride home took longer than usual I would notice and text him asking what's up. At first this also felt like a nice gesture but eventually it also grew to become too much. If he did anything out of routine I would pick up and genuinely want to know what's going on. At the time I thought it was because I cared about him too much and was curious about him. Looking back at it now, I can see that this was the beginning of what grew to become an obsession and addiction, not true love.

Him going out with his friends alone used to be a cute activity that I would like to hear about. Him going out with his friends now became something that I can't wonder but ask a thousand questions about:

• Why did he not take me with him?
• Why is he late?
• Who is going to be there?
• Why are there girls there but not me?
• Why isn't he texting me during the hangout with his friends?
• Why is his phone not receiving my messages?

I wasn't like this. I used to ask "How was your night!" when he was back, now I do interrogations. The obsession grew too much that it started pushing Kevin away from me. I could see him feel so tired and slowly resent me when I go into my toxic tantrums.

How did I fix it?

It's a work in progress still. The thing that has helped the most is communication. After doing a lot of reflecting I realised that all of my problems came from me wanting extra reassurance. My need for reassurance became a black hole that kept growing and always wanted more.

The thing that helped most is keeping myself busy. Whenever Kevin would be busy with work or go out with friends I always made sure to be busy with something. Be it some work, or go out with friends, or even just doing chores around the house. It sounds very simple but this was so powerful. I started to slowly obsess less over what Kevin was doing and started going back to normal. I also started to understand that it was love, care, or affection that was making be go down all those rabbit holes. It was boredom. I was just bored and Kevin was the most interesting thing in my life. As much as I love him, I had to have other interesting things in my life as well. I started nudging my girlies much more often to go out, I started seeing my family more, I started gaming, and I started reading and painting. The first few days, I would enter into a flow state then immediately think of Kevin and text him or something along those lines but as time went I would start forgetting about Kevin altogether.

Slowly, the cycle started to turn and Kevin would become the one to text me and ask what's going on and when am I coming back home. He started missing me and showing me more affection. I don't think he even realises it, but me stepping a bit of the gas made both of us happier and miss each other more. It reminds me of some quote which was like "Love is like water, the more you squeeze the more it runs out of your hands.".

Girlies, if I could say one thing that I learnt from all of this. It's the following:

Leave space to be missed and thought of. When you're always stuck to someone, you don't give their brain space to miss you and daydream about you. Love actually happens in those moments, when you are not there and you are thought of. If you don't give room for those things to happen then you will never be missed and the whole relationship will start to crumble.

Hope this helps the girlies out there. I don't know if this is the best solution but it worked out for me and Kevin <3